Already a classic
back in the ’90s, this book is today more valid than ever! How many people do
you know that daily struggle with dissatisfaction, pile up unfinished tasks, or
avoid new goals, only because their obsession with perfectionism gets in the
way? The author, a renowned psychiatrist, illustrates the theory with colorful
anecdotes of real-life people. Readers will easily identify certain traits in
themselves (or perhaps in someone they love). But even more, to those who spot
themselves as obsessive, the book offers the chance to change and improve different
aspects of their lives, and the ones around them.
By reading this
book you will learn:
- That the
extreme version of every single attribute linked with perfection can be
harmful.
- How to
recognize the main traits of the obsessive personality in oneself or the
others.
- That an
obsessive need for control and perfectionism is harmful to any relationship:
friends, family, work, sentimental.
- What’s behind
the tendency of “obsessive thinkers” to picture the worst possible sceneries
every single time?
- And most
important: that all these patterns can be reversed with the right strategies.
KEY IDEA 1: The search for perfection is only good in its right amount
Picture someone
perfectionist and you’ll probably associate them with positive traits: they are
usually reliable, responsible, self-controlled, committed people, who put a lot
of effort into giving their best in everything they do. In that way, the first
distinction the author does is between the “will to excel”, which is the
healthy search for doing things right –whether in daily life, at work, or in
social relationships- and “perfectionism”, which consists basically on the
aforementioned traits, only taken to the extreme.
In this book,
perfectionism is described as a trait of the obsessive personality and, thus,
implies a lot of effort and causes suffering both to the person and to the
people surrounding them. For a perfectionist, unlike for someone who is trying
their best, mistakes are not a basic part of any learning process but are seen
as a failure. At the same time, a perfectionist lives in a constant state of
alert and anxiety.
Not every
obsessive person manifests perfectionism the same way; still, they do have one
thing in common: a powerful need to be in control, both of themselves as well as
the others, and even of external events. In a few words, obsessive people won’t
accept the simple fact that life is unpredictable. Therefore, they enter into a
vicious circle of doing excessive efforts to achieve the best results in
anything they are up to.
But since
absolute control is impossible, and the failure, the mistake, the unpredictable
are all part of life, sooner or later the perfectionist is doomed to fall into
unhappiness and frustration, besides having all of their bounds deteriorated.
And even when things do fall
into place, their intrinsic struggle to enjoy the present moment creates
suffering itself.
Key Idea 2: Acknowledging perfectionism is the first step to fight it
Before writing
this book, the author worked as a psychiatrist for nearly twenty years. He
states that many obsessive patients don’t begin their treatment because they
are trying to solve their actual problem, since the most difficult part is
recognizing the traits in themselves. Instead, they come to counseling looking
for a solution for a relationship conflict, or even after suffering specific
physical symptoms that doctors couldn’t find an origin to.
In that sense,
the author insists that unlike what popular culture has identified with
“obsessive and compulsive behavior”, obsession is not a way of acting but a
personality trait. As such, you cannot correct it with simple exercises.
Tracing the origins of perfectionism demands a huge effort. According to the
author, there is a biological component, as well as certain experiences in
early childhood that contribute to creating –or triggering- the obsessive
personality. For example, certain patients refer to their parents as “too
demanding” or complain about not feeling unconditionally loved by them.
But besides the
causes, what’s most important is to acknowledge (and to recognize in oneself)
the obsessive traits. The author offers a self-test for us, readers, to spot in
ourselves (or in someone we love) the main characteristics of the obsessive
personality. For example:
-The tendency to
get too caught in little details.
-Taking more than
usual to fulfill a task fearing it may not come out perfect.
-Demanding
certain behavior from our family members or colleagues.
-Fear of losing
control.
-A resistance to
external demands (or, quite the contrary, an excessive demand-sensitivity, an
eagerness to suit everyone else’s needs).
Only by admitting
that our obsessive personality is causing us unhappiness, we will be able to
change it.
Key Idea 3: Control is a myth
The obsessive
finds unbearable the idea of something not being under their control. Just like
infants need routines, structures, rules, to obtain predictability and provide
them with the necessary safeness to grow in an unknown world, the obsessive
never manages to accept that life is unpredictable by nature. Yet, the idea
that we can anticipate the unexpected by modifying our behavior, our actions,
or our thoughts is, of course, an illusion.
That’s why they
get insanely obsessed in taking control of the uncontrollable: both their own
emotions as well as others, and even life events. Consider, for example, the
overwhelming fear of criticism obsessive people tend to display, which can
sometimes make them avoid social reunions because they fear others may “unmask”
their flaws. And also, there’s the tendency to overthink or to worry in excess.
Following the author, the pessimist attitude of the obsessive is a self-defense
mechanism towards unexpected events.
About that, he
mentions an unconscious belief he calls “the Cosmic Scorekeeper”: for the
obsessive, whether they are based on religious beliefs or in certain “natural
principle” of the universe, doing things right necessarily leads towards the
right results. This pushes them towards extreme perfectionism, or even causes
them to make certain sacrifices, or denying themselves life’s pleasures they
perceive as not rightfully earned. It is a way of “gaining credits” so those
things that are not up to them eventually turn right.
And what happens
when, even if they did everything they forced themselves to do, things don’t
turn as expected? For example, if their marriage fails, if they don’t get a
good grade in an exam, or a job interview goes rough, the obsessive personality
turns towards another mechanism, the “retroactive control” (going over and over
again on what they could have done instead) before accepting that control is,
indeed, just a myth.
Key Idea 4: Obsessive behavior facing the unavoidable possibility of error
Perfectionists
suffer despite the result; they never get any satisfaction since they can never
achieve their impossibly high standards. On the contrary, a non-perfectionist
person doesn’t base their self-esteem on the results of their actions, but on
their tries and the process and therefore, the eventual mistake or the
unforeseen will not destabilize them.
And here comes
the paradox of the self-fulfilling prophecy: because perfectionists fear
mistakes and poor results, they end up acquiring damaging behaviors, such as
difficulty reaching deadlines, not getting into new projects, delaying
decision-taking, or refusing to commit. The author quotes examples from the
academic or work environment: for instance, the student who is so obsessed not
to skip a single detail of the class that misses out on the important general concept;
or the employee that, feeling the extreme necessity of being exhaustive, delays
their report or their presentation in a flow of unnecessary data by fear of
omitting something.
But this also
happens in love relationships: many perfectionists are defined by their
difficulties in establishing long-lasting relationships or keeping them. The
typical “fear of commitment” many perfectionists display is nothing else than
the ultimate decision-making difficulty. Perfectionists manifest, according to
the author, a tendency to pickiness. This can manifest through something
insignificant, such as buying a new outfit and refusing to remove the label (by
fear of regretting the purchase and not being able to exchange it for something
better), but also in dating! And it is precisely in love relationships where
the obsessive suffer the most (and causes more suffering to other people).
Another typical
obsessive trait that sabotages both their work as well as their personal
relationships is what the author defines as “demand-resistance”, which means
doing the opposite of what others pretend of them. This resistance to demand
(that can be either real or imaginary) appears directly linked to the
obsessive’s need for self-control: the only way of keeping it is by saying no.
In that way, refusing to “settle down” and bond, in the long run, getting
engaged, getting married, etc. can work as a resistance to the social rules.
The consequences
of demand-resistance are usually negative, such as getting blocked in work or
studies; antipathy among colleagues; or even self-sabotage of personal
relationships. And, according to the clinical experience of the author, gaining
conscience over the own demand-resistance is even harder than spotting the
tendency towards perfectionism itself.
Key Idea 5: Perfectionism also takes place in the mind
Because we are
not experts, we tend to associate obsession with perfectionism with certain
visible behaviors. But the obsessive displays certain typical mental patterns
as well. The author describes these people as “Thinkaholics”. Many obsessive
live their lives as a continuous torrent of worries (anticipation of what might
happen later) or rumination (going over and over of what has already happened).
What’s behind the
typical tendency of the obsessive to worry? Because the obsessives feel they
can control anything, they persist on the false belief on the “Cosmic
Scorekeeper” that allows interchanging present suffering with the “prevention”
of a future disgrace. As if somehow, some unknown force could keep us away from
tragedy by only anticipating it.
The cognitive
motto of the obsessive, the author states, is “Notice, Comprehend, Remember”.
Obsessives perceive themselves as more mental than emotional because of their
need for control, being emotions uncontrollable forces by definition. This
costs them important aspects of life, such as intuition. But even more,
worrying constantly is useless, not only because it doesn’t help, but mainly
because most of the things that worry us never actually occur!
As the
counterpart of worry is rumination: that’s the word the author uses for
mentally going back to the past, to what already happened and thus, can’t be
helped; to constantly keeping track of our own mistakes, or other people’s
wrongdoing. Rumination is the extreme version of the human capacity to remember
unpleasant experiences to learn from them and avoid their repetition in the
future. Obsessives believe that, if they really put their energies into
overthinking an episode from the past, “it won’t happen again”. Unfortunately,
such as worry, rumination is useless: because they get lost in the tiniest
little details of the misshapen, obsessives deprive themselves of learning from
the experience as a whole. That’s why, despite their tremendous efforts, they tend
to repeat damaging patterns.
Worry and
rumination are misleading control mechanisms. Not only they don’t work, but
they also have a cost: they waste your time and energy, and they tend to cause
both physical and emotional suffering. How can we get over them? The author
suggests a series of techniques of thought suppression, such as meditation or
breathing exercises. But again, the most important thing is accepting that the
main cause of suffering is not the external event, but thinking about it.
Key Idea 6: Perfectionism causes pain to self and others
The author
provides numerous examples from his clinical practice to demonstrate how
perfectionism harms social relationships in different ways. It can manifest,
for example, in a social inhibition caused by fear of others spotting some
inadequacy. The obsessive is too cautious: they fear being unmasked as frauds,
and that keeps them at a distance of other people who might spot their flaws
–something, of course, inherent to human nature.
On the other
hand, perfectionism can also become evident when someone demonstrates an
extreme resistance to criticism and wants to win at all costs. Many
perfectionists display distrust of others: deep down, they don’t want to depend
on someone else because that makes them feel vulnerable. This emotional
distance can manifest by being too reserved, wanting to be alone, or being
extremely shady, for example, when it comes to money.
At the same time,
obsessives are perfectionists with themselves, they usually are extremely
critical with the others. The low tolerance to what they perceive as other
people’s flaws make their social or family bonds tense and difficult.
In this regard,
the author provides some tips for being less cautious and relaxing the
vigilance a bit. For example, accepting that people around us who trust each
other are not less intelligent than us, they do it because they are willing to
take the chances. Not risking loving hurts more than dealing with a breakup. On
the other hand, if we fear rejection, maybe we could face the fact that maybe
we have built a thick shell which is precisely what causes such a rejection.
Opening up and
letting the real feelings out can be tough, especially if so far we have
considered it a sign of weakness. But the effort is worth it: people around the
obsessive that, for the first time in their treatment, manages to reach out and
show them as they are, usually provide valuable feedback, sympathy, and love.
That is enough to make future attempts easier every time.
Key Idea 7: Perfection stands against pleasure
What’s the
difference between someone detailed-oriented, with high expectations,
demanding, and responsible, and someone obsessed by perfection? It’s the waste
and suffering that the obsessive personality experiences. For instance, someone
can be tidy and keep their home neat because they like it that way. But if that
same person were obsessive, they would take their tidiness to an extreme and
they’ll experience discomfort if anything is out of place.
As it happens
with spaces, the same goes for time! Someone organized is comfortable following
a schedule, or performing the same tasks at a regular time, but can be flexible
to changes or eventualities. Perfectionists, on the other hand, cannot stand
unscheduled events, because that shows how the control they struggle to keep is
just an illusion, a myth that falls apart.
This can be seen
in the difficulty most obsessives display for decision-making. They can’t admit
that most of the time there is no right answer, or at least not a single one
that is “the right one”. Supposed you had to decide between going to the beach
or the mountain, you can balance the pros and cons, and eventually decide on
which choice gives you more pleasure. And yes, things may not go as planned (it
might rain!), but while not perfectionists do as good as possible with what
they have, perfectionists may feel their whole world crumbles and, before
suffering so much, avoid traveling at all!
The obsessive
personality of the perfectionist won’t let them notice that inaction, avoiding
decision-making, is a decision itself and, as such, has a consequence that many
times can be negative. Unfortunately, life without mistakes isn’t perfect nor
desirable, but a cause of misery.
Another source of
suffering perfectionists have to deal with is the so-called
“demand-sensitivity”, which is the counterpart to demand-resistance. What’s it
about? The obsessives take any request, or even any inner desire, as one more
obligation to fulfill. This costs them the loss of joy and any sense of
personal satisfaction. Let’s consider, for example, the sabotage of leisure
time and enjoyment that takes place when someone turns their “I want to bake a
cake” into an “I must bake a cake”.
What can we do if
we spot these mechanisms in ourselves? When it comes to a constant difficulty
in making decisions, the author provides some pieces of advice to acknowledge
the waste of time and the emotional charge it takes, identifying the thoughts
that lead us to avoidance, and replacing them with more reasonable thoughts.
For example, instead of holding to thoughts such as “if this fails, I couldn’t
bear it”, we should embrace the thought that decisions can be reversible. As
for the unreasonable demand-sensitivity, we should start by spotting all the
“must” or “should” instead of “want” and “desire”. In the end, the final
decision is ours: we all have obligations, but we should find the “want” under
the unavoidable “must”. For example, hidden under the “I must study for the
test”, lies the wish to graduate from a career we chose freely.
Key Idea 8: Perfectionism just doesn’t work, but it can always be changed!
Perfectionism is
not good for living a happy life or for establishing a good rapport with other
people. By making tremendous efforts, obsessives can hold for a while the
illusion of control, but sooner or later this breaks them down given that life
is unpredictable by nature.
Perfectionism is
based on the false premise of control. Once we accept it just doesn’t work, we
can take the first steps to change it. Of course, such a transformation of our
mental patterns, our behavior or our relationships has to be gradual. The
author recommends getting professional therapy, but he also provides some
practical tips you can implement right away:
- Learn how to
answer “I don’t know” and admit our mistakes. We’ll notice the world doesn’t
fall apart if we are not right all the time.
- If
perfectionism keeps us from doing certain activities, go for them! For example,
one of his patients was afraid of dancing in public, so she signed up for dancing
lessons even when she felt embarrassed at first. Now she loves dancing!
- The key is
spotting our internal saboteur thoughts. We should try and replace them with
more realistic ideas.
- As for our job,
we should schedule to a given time and finish the task as we can. Plan your
studying and working according to the time you have.
- In some aspects
of your life, try “aiming for average”. Are you having a hard time preparing an
exam because you are afraid you won’t get the A you so desperately want? Try
getting a C+ instead, and sit for that exam already!
- Stop littering
your home with useless stuff, or delaying decisions for fear of messing up.
Admit that both mental and physical clutter is a burden to heavy to carry all
the time.
- As for being
intolerant towards others, the author recommends “critiquing the critic” within
ourselves. Accepting other people as they are, acknowledging as valuable being
with their flaws and all, is also a step towards self-acceptance.
- Doing concient
exercises to live in the present. Cut down the torrent of thought that keeps
us from enjoying what we are living.
Final summary
The key message in this book:
Perfection is an obstacle to well-being. Even when certain attributes such as
responsibility, commitment, dedication, and the will to excel are positive, all
of these traits create an obsessive personality when taken to an extreme.
Behind every obsessive perfectionist, there is an illusion of control that will
sooner or later fall apart, besides the effort for keeping that control is
itself a source of waste and suffering. Acknowledging these traits in yourself
(or in someone you love) is the first step to change and start living in
another way, in peace with oneself and others.
Do you want to read the summary in SPANISH?
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